Got an email from my dad’s memory care facility last night that a worker tested positive. This is … not ideal.

I’m realizing that all of my posts are starting off with “I went for a jog this morning” because this is the highlight of my day. Well, that and watching my cats being goobers. The jog is a chance to actually be in the world. The beauty of my neighborhood this morning—it’s so easy to forget you live in paradise. Can you spot the napping man in a mask? (hint: he’s on a picnic table)

When I saw the email from the memory care, truth be told, I lost it a bit. This is really not good news. This sounds terrible to say, maybe, but I really don’t want him to die this way. He is in the late stages of Alzheimer’s, and was about to be evaluated for hospice right before this all happened. This seems a horrible way to go: coughing up blood, your lungs not working. It led me to a dark question: if hospice or near-hospice patients get this thing, is it acceptable to take other measures? Can we relax the laws on that, if we’re relaxing the laws on everything else? Are we going to make immunosuppressed elderly patients die painfully? Is it painful? It sounds painful. I haven’t seriously talked to anyone about this. I just promised you all I’d go with you where my brain goes during this, and this is where my brain went.

My cats are one of the only things keeping me sane. Ashley and my cats and the few students I’m still seeing. But my cats are perfect because, just, look at them. This is Chirpa being a goober. They chase each other around the house all day and I think they can tell we’re scared because they have never been this cuddly. Either that or it’s colder than usual. But I’ll go with them being cold

I keep feeling like I should be more uplifting here, but I promised honesty. So here I am being honest. I’m scared. My dad may get this. I have other family members and friends who likely have it, but can’t get tests. It’s unclear whether I’ll have enough money coming in, and Ashley’s job is at risk. My teaching gigs were scheduled to sunset this summer, because I was just going to edit, but now I don’t know if I’ll get enough editing gigs. I’m scared that more than a few clients won’t be able to pay me. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Especially if I get sick. The good news is all I have to do is make it until August, when I start school.

I saw this super creepy piñata head hanging from a tree. I came across this after finishing my jog, and I thought, well, this about sums up this historical moment. Bright, beautiful day, birds have returned to the park and my neighborhood and are now louder than the city used to be, families walking around smiling, half of people are wearing bandanas or masks, you can smell the flowers blooming in the air, and a fucking piñata head hanging from a tree, like it’d just been hanged.

Unlike this piñata, my friends have been keeping me sane. I love you guys. If you haven’t reached out, go for it. I’d love to hear from you.